Lest you think I live in a world of bliss and rainbows, allow me to re-live Tuesday for you:

It’s 400 ka-ba-jillion degrees on Kellogg St. (50% humidity and 95 degrees = 110 degree heat index). I am supposed to be packing. I am not. I can not move without melting. I am thinking of excuses to go sit in the laundromat and watch General Hospital. Abe is equally near-death:

…and 3 minutes later…

I would be concerned that I do not see his chest rising and falling, but I have no time for that. I have to go to the bathroom. The bathroom is in the kitchen (blast these old farm houses). I walk to the dining room. I take a break. I walk to the kitchen. I take a break. I make it to the bathroom door and begin to…uh, ‘disassemble’ my pj pants. Something goes terribly wrong and I create a knot…a seriously tight knot.

I do not panic. I walk back to the kitchen. I take a break. I walk through the dining room. I take a break. I make it to the yellow chair in the living room under a full veil of sweat. Abe is dreaming about snowmen. I sit down and take stock of the situation:

It’s a ridiculous knot. I begin to fiddle…and make it worse. After 11 minutes of expert climbing knot un-tying techniques, I realize I am hopelessly trapped in my pants. Trapped. In. My. Pants. I may never get out.
I call Curt.
His phone cuts out.
He calls back.
His phone cuts out.
He calls back.
I yell, “Curt- I’mtrappedinmypants and I reallyhaftagotothebathroom and I’m melting.”
He laughs and says he’s sorry.
I hang up. This is not funny.
I am near tears…”dog carrier” tears, Jess.
I lay on the floor next to Abe and try to ignore the bladder pain.
We sleep for an hour. On the floor.
Things are much better after sleep.
The knot did not master me.
I was trapped for a total of 3 hours. In my pants. But I’m ok now.
And it is a little funny.
and yes, it’s midnight here at 650 Kellogg SE…
we’re all awake for some reason…
like in college when you’d stay up until 3am moving in and unpacking and meeting the girls down the hall…
except we’re not in college anymore…
and it’s still 85 degrees out…

About texasnorth

TexasNorth is a little farm in Western Michigan. It's home to 5 chickens, 25 longhorn cattle, a coonhound (Banjo), 1 barn cat, a husband, and 3 ridiculously funny children. The mom of this zoo has been known to mow the lawn in a skirt and roast marshmallows after dark. View all posts by texasnorth

8 responses to “proof

  • K Moore

    you belly is so stinking cute. it has really popped out in the last two weeks since I have seen you!!!! this is all very very exciting. are you seeing lots of movement? what is going on inside there?

  • sunday

    i can’t think of a worse feeling then being trapped in my pants!!! i got frustrating just reading your story. you are right, no bliss :).
    you are the cutest pregnant lady!

  • Jessica

    So did you ever pee? You have me in tears my dear, tears of laughter because in so many ways do I understand.

  • Miss Christine

    I understand completely! Having never had air conditioning in my house and relishing vacation every summer (air-conditioned hotels! and sometimes pools!), I was/am with you on the terribleness of these recent days and their climate. I think today screams ‘movie theatre’, and then later… Alex Olthoff is taking me flying! Yaaay! 🙂

  • KatieKate

    Alex is taking you flying????????? I am jealous. Tell him I said hello.

    And K Moore…this kid moves all the stinkin’ time. I like to think it’s in there dancing. Curt likes to think it’s in there riding its bike.

    I did make it to the potty…much later than hoped for, but I made it. It was a good lesson in patience. I was almost ready to bring out the scissors, but I just couldn’t do it- I only have a couple pair of bottoms that still fit!

  • K Moore

    Kate, if there is a bicycle in your belly, then Curt has some explaining to do. If you are a mother to Curt or Kate, and if you are reading this, don’t think about. The stork is entirely responsible for this child.

  • OurMrsMikrut

    Oh, such amusement. Next time, call me…you don’t have to go to the laundromat to watch GH in chilly bliss!

  • trase

    Oh darlin’
    I didn’t know this story …
    I’m so sad that I”m going out of town tomorrow… we could be miserable and laugh together. (Or cry and then laugh later). The water sure felt good last night though. Sure felt good.

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