just a few things

As our trip is rapidly approaching, I thought it best to get a few things out there.

rider (n) An amendment to a contract by which the original terms are changed.

Mama… also known as Social Coordinator, Chef, and Private Dancer

Dad… also known as Financial Coordinator, Driver, and Personal Reader of Stories

Child… hitherto referred to as Crazy Horse, Eyes of the Half Moon, Peanut, FruitCake, She, and Her

Sleeping Arrangements

Peanut must be contained when sleeping. If a cage crib is not available, a pack-n-play will do. Please place it against a wall so that her routine of shaking the rails and playing “I can sound like I’m tearing down the house” is not interrupted. She will need a cell phone, a toothbrush, and her babydoll within reach immediately upon waking.

Eating Arrangements

Here is a list of usually acceptable foods, though not exhaustive and bound to change periodically without notice:

cream cheese :: frozen peas :: peanut butter :: bananas :: tangerines :: bread :: spicy hot sesame sticks :: french fries of the crinkly variety

Please note that She eats breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Lunch is always a peanut butter sandwich. No substitutions will be tolerated. If any person within a radius of 50 feet opens a can of carbonated beverage, it must immediately be given to the child with a straw. Do not attempt to hide the beverage from Her sight as this will result in the Stink Eye.

A dog or other animal should be placed directly beneath Her as She eats. She will signal that She is finished eating by beginning to silently feed the animal below. Said animal should also be available later for play time, ear pulling, and tail inspection.

Play Arrangements

Bathtubs must be accessible at all times. Pots, pans and tupperware must be accessible at all times. Her babydoll is to be in the same room as She at all times. Grown-up beds with sheets and comforters and 2+ pillows are to be accessible at all times. Grown-ups who jump on the bed must be available in the event jumping is deemed more fun than independent rolling and tunnel building.

Music, whether made by TV video stereo or human, must be available at all times. She may dance/sway until the cows come home. And, if you could actually have cows, that would be even better.

Yarn should be available to stretch, unwind, and generally knot up at will.

Hygiene Arrangements

She will brush Her own hair, thank you very much. You will hold Her while you brush your teeth, rinse the brush, and then offer it to Her to do a quick swipe of Her own mouth. Baths are encouraged and enjoyed. Tub should be full of water not past her bellybutton (which She will show you when asked) as She tends to float uncontrollably beyond that point. Bubbles are optional but a nice touch.

Diapers will be periodically changed. Please stear clear… this has been known to be an ugly time.

::We look forward to being with you. Should any part of this rider be unacceptable, Mamma and Dad will enjoy themselves regardless and deal accordingly with Her. She’s really a gem. We like her. We think you will, too. Please still be friends with us.::

Sincerely and genuinely, I am,

KatieKate

(who will require regular access to ibuprofen and CocaCola Classic, please and thank you)

Here are some other celebrity riders that will make you chuckle…

Have a great week, folks. I’ll talk to you on Thursday in my usual packing-procrastination style. And, hey- I’ll be gone this Wednesday, so I’ve moved the Shop update to tomorrow (Tuesday) at 2pm. Stop by if you get a chance!

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About texasnorth

TexasNorth is a little farm in Western Michigan. It's home to 5 chickens, 25 longhorn cattle, a coonhound (Banjo), 1 barn cat, a husband, and 3 ridiculously funny children. The mom of this zoo has been known to mow the lawn in a skirt and roast marshmallows after dark. View all posts by texasnorth

10 responses to “just a few things

  • Anna

    Remind me again when you’re getting in. I don’t want the tater tots to get cold.

    Also, do you think you will have some time in your schedule for us to knit? I’d really like you to show me how to knit continental.

    P.S. Your dad called me at work, and pretended to be a crazy person, and laughed at me because I stayed on the phone and tried to help him. It’s my job, I’m required to talk to the people, even crazy ones. 🙂 I was relieved when I finally figured out it was your dad, though.

  • diane

    I LOVE THAT PIC of Ry. OhMyLanta.

  • Jessica, Myron and Rylie

    Seriously sometimes I think we have the same child…..

  • sunday

    oh that was perfect. i know you described her to a T. i sat there nodding my head on several of those about BellaRose.

  • Dan, Annie, Will and Mocha

    I think I might steal this little synopsis, I think I could fit Will into it easily and you write so much better that I ever could.

  • Wende

    (SHE needs HER own toothbrush, cavities are contagious.)

    Darling child is right where she needs to be: in control. Ha ha h ha ha. *snort*.

  • Jimmy

    I see that picture and I start to laugh. Then I read and it sounds just like Heather 30 yrs ago…and I laugh even harder. Thanks

    Jim

  • sunday

    your etsy shop is awesome! i love the pillow you made for becky. she called me so excited and seriously about to cry. way to go, make a pregnant girl cry.

  • Julie

    Hi Katie,
    I am Becky’s friend and just took a peek at the pillow you made for Ellen. How adorable! I love all of the stuff you have made in the etsy shop and am thoroughly impressed with your craftiness.

    And I always enjoy reading your blog, which I do regularly. You make me laugh and my little girl loves pictures of Rylie!

  • thekooiet

    Good Grief you are witty.

    Private dancer…oh, that made me laugh. 🙂

    I can completely envision Ry floating away in the bathtub if the water’s too deep. Dang that’s cute.

    And I must thank you for your help in getting over my extreme D.Coke admiration. Do you know how many 2 liter bottles I have in my recycle bin right now? Just from 3 weeks there are 17. Coke is good.

    We will miss you while your gone.

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