Dad… also known as Financial Coordinator, Driver, and Personal Reader of Stories
Child… hitherto referred to as Crazy Horse, Eyes of the Half Moon, Peanut, FruitCake, She, and Her
Peanut must be contained when sleeping. If a
cage crib is not available, a pack-n-play will do. Please place it against a wall so that her routine of shaking the rails and playing “I can sound like I’m tearing down the house” is not interrupted. She will need a cell phone, a toothbrush, and her babydoll within reach immediately upon waking.
Here is a list of usually acceptable foods, though not exhaustive and bound to change periodically without notice:
cream cheese :: frozen peas :: peanut butter :: bananas :: tangerines :: bread :: spicy hot sesame sticks :: french fries of the crinkly variety
Please note that She eats breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Lunch is always a peanut butter sandwich. No substitutions will be tolerated. If any person within a radius of 50 feet opens a can of carbonated beverage, it must immediately be given to the child with a straw. Do not attempt to hide the beverage from Her sight as this will result in the Stink Eye.
A dog or other animal should be placed directly beneath Her as She eats. She will signal that She is finished eating by beginning to silently feed the animal below. Said animal should also be available later for play time, ear pulling, and tail inspection.
Bathtubs must be accessible at all times. Pots, pans and tupperware must be accessible at all times. Her babydoll is to be in the same room as She at all times. Grown-up beds with sheets and comforters and 2+ pillows are to be accessible at all times. Grown-ups who jump on the bed must be available in the event jumping is deemed more fun than independent rolling and tunnel building.
Music, whether made by TV video stereo or human, must be available at all times. She may dance/sway until the cows come home. And, if you could actually have cows, that would be even better.
Yarn should be available to stretch, unwind, and generally knot up at will.
She will brush Her own hair, thank you very much. You will hold Her while you brush your teeth, rinse the brush, and then offer it to Her to do a quick swipe of Her own mouth. Baths are encouraged and enjoyed. Tub should be full of water not past her bellybutton (which She will show you when asked) as She tends to float uncontrollably beyond that point. Bubbles are optional but a nice touch.
Diapers will be periodically changed. Please stear clear… this has been known to be an ugly time.
::We look forward to being with you. Should any part of this rider be unacceptable, Mamma and Dad will enjoy themselves regardless and deal accordingly with Her. She’s really a gem. We like her. We think you will, too. Please still be friends with us.::
Sincerely and genuinely, I am,
(who will require regular access to ibuprofen and CocaCola Classic, please and thank you)
Have a great week, folks. I’ll talk to you on Thursday in my usual packing-procrastination style. And, hey- I’ll be gone this Wednesday, so I’ve moved the Shop update to tomorrow (Tuesday) at 2pm. Stop by if you get a chance!