I will not drown in shallow water,
Not with your love within my reach.
I did not come this far to falter,
And will not rest until I’m free.
I had my 13+ week appointment Tuesday for Mulder#2… and am sad to report that there was no heartbeat. An ultrasound confirmed that we had lost the Little One at 10+ weeks… my body just doesn’t realize it.
I actually take great comfort in that. My body… my body is so obviously connected to my soul. I do not let go of anything or anyone without serious battle. Goodness, I cry when I see abandoned furniture on the curb. “Come home with me! Your story does not end here!” I try and love and write and re-finish and exhaust every means before release. I laughed on the way home from my appointment (hello, hormones) at the irony. Here’s my poor, sweet body… still gaining weight, still sore, still tired, still preparing for the Little One. All the while, he has been sleeping. It will take a doctor to physically pry the effort out of my heart before my body will let go. I love it for that. We play until the whistle blows around here.
I am thankful for Rylie who is full of giggles these days. I am thankful for my husband who is a provider. I am thankful that I am an awesome crier. I am thankful for friends who know exactly what to say and when to just not say anything. I am thankful for cows who do not ask questions and do not care and still need to be taken care of daily. And, I am thankful (forgive me) for the ‘silence’ feature on my phone. I will mend. We will go day by day.
Most of you will read this Thursday morning… I am in the hospital taking the last few physical steps of this journey. I will be home later today and will demand Chinese food. And then, I am going to sew. Sew Sew Sew. Pretty things. Lots and lots of pretty things. I did not come this far to falter.
Thank you so much for everything. We love you so much here at TexasNorth. Talk to me, sing to me, leave me funny messages… I’m still here. Just quiet for a bit.
[God,] You are everywhere, so you must be here. – Saint Anselm