I will not drown.

I will not drown in shallow water,
Not with your love within my reach.
I did not come this far to falter,
And will not rest until I’m free.
-Randy Travis

Friends,

I had my 13+ week appointment Tuesday for Mulder#2… and am sad to report that there was no heartbeat.  An ultrasound confirmed that we had lost the Little One at 10+ weeks… my body just doesn’t realize it. 

I actually take great comfort in that.  My body… my body is so obviously connected to my soul.  I do not let go of anything or anyone without serious battle.  Goodness, I cry when I see abandoned furniture on the curb.  “Come home with me!  Your story does not end here!” I try and love and write and re-finish and exhaust every means before release.  I laughed on the way home from my appointment (hello, hormones) at the irony.  Here’s my poor, sweet body… still gaining weight, still sore, still tired, still preparing for the Little One.  All the while, he has been sleeping.  It will take a doctor to physically pry the effort out of my heart before my body will let go. I love it for that. We play until the whistle blows around here.

I am thankful for Rylie who is full of giggles these days.  I am thankful for my husband who is a provider.  I am thankful that I am an awesome crier.  I am thankful for friends who know exactly what to say and when to just not say anything.  I am thankful for cows who do not ask questions and do not care and still need to be taken care of daily.  And, I am thankful (forgive me) for the ‘silence’ feature on my phone.  I will mend.  We will go day by day.

Most of you will read this Thursday morning… I am in the hospital taking the last few physical steps of this journey.  I will be home later today and will demand Chinese food.  And then, I am going to sew.  Sew Sew Sew. Pretty things.  Lots and lots of pretty things.  I did not come this far to falter.

Thank you so much for everything.  We love you so much here at TexasNorth.  Talk to me, sing to me, leave me funny messages… I’m still here.  Just quiet for a bit. 

[God,] You are everywhere, so you must be here. – Saint Anselm

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About texasnorth

TexasNorth is a little farm in Western Michigan. It's home to 5 chickens, 25 longhorn cattle, a coonhound (Banjo), 1 barn cat, a husband, and 3 ridiculously funny children. The mom of this zoo has been known to mow the lawn in a skirt and roast marshmallows after dark. View all posts by texasnorth

38 responses to “I will not drown.

  • Jami

    You are my hero, Kate….and I mean that whole-heartedly.

    I love you. ❤

  • Mandi

    Oh, Kaite. I’m so very sorry. I am intimately familiar with that hurt. I lost a baby about a month before I found out I was pregnant with Max. That one was planned. Max was not. I was still grieving for that Little One when I found out about Max and couldn’t even process the New One for some time for the loss of the other. But the Lord knew what our family needed and when, and He has a blessing for you and your family, too! I admire your faith and your attitude. And I will not fail to pray for you at this time.

  • Suzanne

    (((((((((((Katie))))))))))))))

  • Nancy

    From Missouri, I am sending you a big hug..I have gone through this with my both daughters so know that words do not help.
    I am crying with you…..

  • Michelle

    We are so sorry for your loss. We are praying for you all. Please let us know if we can help in any way (watch Abe or Rylee or both). Love you guys, Michelle (& family)

  • Zoe

    Katie,
    I am so very sorry.
    I will be praying for you and your family.

  • Grace

    I am so very, very sorry. I just ache for you. Please know that I am praying for you and your family.

  • Jim

    You know we are all with you and that we feel your hurt…Please give youself and Curt and hug from your friends on the east side.

  • elly

    Sweet Kate…. oh so very sorry for your loss. So glad you are giving yourself time and permission… to do whatever it is you need to do… beginning with Chinese food. Love you girl. xoxoxo

  • Shauna

    Our thoughts and prayers are with you, my friend. We remember those moments in our own story this summer, and I had the same kind of body–one that wouldn’t give up without a fight. I get it. Bless you. Love love love to you—Shauna

  • Kayce

    Love you! You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers!

  • mr. chris

    katey, katie, kate. of course my heart opens its flood gates to you all. i do hope that it’s some comfort that your little one was able to spend every moment with a mother who never stopped loving them.

    we love you and all that you share of yourself. thank you for being a mother to so many of us.

  • ecky

    i’ve typed and erased a million times.
    no words will do…
    i am so sorry.
    warm crushing hugs and lot of love in your direction.

  • Amy Louise

    “I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish that He didn’t trust me so much.”
    –Mother Theresa

    (The only quote i may ever be able to offer you, which you probably already know)

    We love you and are thinking of you all…

  • Thya Littell

    You are beautiful.

  • jtp

    Oh katie..what a beautiful post, but a sad one…I am so sorry. I hope you and Rylie have a fun day of sewing…… 🙂

  • Chris

    Oh Kate, I am so so sorry. I cannot begin to ever know what this feels like, I just know that no one should ever have to feel it. I’m thankful you have Curt and there are two of you to share in this sadness and be there for one another. Thank you for such a graceful and beautiful post… you are so strong.

  • Cathy

    Oh Katie, I am so sorry. There are no other words to say but you and Curt are in our thoughts and prayers.

    Love, Dave and Cathy

  • sunday

    KATIE! My heart burst when I read this!!!!! But your spirit, oh your spirit, and your grace are tremendous. I know you, in your time, will pick yourself up by your cute cowgirl boots and feed those cows, and play with ry, and make more babies…..in your own time. I love you dear friend, you are still an inspiration to me!

  • Cortney

    Oh, darling. My heart is breaking for you here, and there, and everywhere. I am so very very sorry.

    Your courage and faith are a constant inspiration to me. When I grow up, I want to be as good and as kind and as wonderful and understanding as KatieKate.

  • Carley

    Beautiful post.
    You are such a strong person.
    Saying I’m sorry for your loss just doesn’t seem like enough right now… but no other words come to mind. I’m sorry.

  • sicacarr

    Rylie Jayne would like to dedicate “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star”. Its funny that her favorite part to sing is “UP ABOVE”. She sings it with such force. And today I think of your little star twinkling from up above.

  • Lisa

    Oh, Katie. I have tears and I hardly know you. Yet, I know you. My prayers are with TexasNorth today. Be strong.

    Lisa

  • Andi

    There are no words. All of us in this house are praying for all you in yours. And a little Kung Pao chicken or General Tso chicken never hurt either.

  • Becky

    This was beautifully written, Sunday told me this morning, and my heart broke. I had this just happen to another friend of mine. I know there is no way I can know what you feel but I do know that God has not stopped being God and he still loves you! I am praying for you and will continue to.

  • Julie

    Oh, Katie. I am sorry. I will pray for you.

  • Kathy

    We are so sorry– our prayers are with you! I went through this just before getting pregnant with Mitchell, at 14 weeks while on vacation with Jason’s family. I can only imagine how you must feel, and even though I’ve been there it is different for every woman. I will cry for you today and pray for you to heal.

  • Laura

    I have good reason to believe that Sprout and Jesus have been talking very fervently about how lovely you are…

    …and I’m totally going to get you the omelette of your choice on Monday, if you’re still in. No pressure. But omelettes are pretty good.

  • Ellie

    My dear friend, of course you would keep on fighting. “my body. .connected to my soul”. It is obvious in how you live, your honesty, a meaningfulness and purpose. You reach out and people reach back. This is amazing. You are amazing. I wish I could come and just be quiet with you for awhile. Be well.
    Ellie

  • whitney

    Katie, I am thinking about you today. Whitney

  • christan

    You would think I should know what to say, but everyone handles things differently. Rachel told me to check your blog… glad she gave me a heads up. I’ve been thinking about you like crazy for the past 2 days… but had no idea the Lord was putting you on my heart for a very specific reason. Now I know how to pray. Forgive my lack of any words of wisdom… some moments just run too deep for words! Remember these 2 things: the holy spirit intercedes on our behalf with groanings too deep for words… when you don’t even know what to say, it’s already been heard and answered! Also… He’s a really big God and He can handle your questions, your wrestling, or whatever you want to bring Him!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!

  • Annie

    o Katie, I’m so sorry. We are lifting over here at the Singletary’s.
    your words are beautiful, you can really tell your True joy. It’s a beautiful and reassuring thing to watch and read in you. thank you for sharing your heart with us, it makes us all grow. wish I were close by to bring you some chinese. hope it satisfied for a little bit. so glad you have rylie to look into the eyes of and sewing and your wonderful husband. what a wonderful life God has blessed you with my dear.

  • Tammy

    Katie — I am Rachel’s cousin and I read your blog faithfully. I just wanted you to know I am including you, the boy and Ry in my prayers. Your blog is always one of the best parts of my Mondays & Thursdays.

  • Bev Vanderwell

    Kate
    my heart aches with you. I cried along with you. I pray for you.
    This poem has spoken for me in countless times of grief. It is by Joseph Bayley.

    I cry tears
    to you Lord
    tears
    because I cannot speak.
    Words are lost
    among my fears
    pain
    sorrows
    losses
    hurts
    but tears
    You understand
    my wordless prayer
    You hear.
    Lord
    Wipe away my tears
    all tears
    not in distant day
    but now
    here.

    This, along with Romans 8:26-27, are my prayers for you.
    “…the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit interceds for the saints in accordance with God’s will.”
    love to you my friend.
    Bev

  • Kristen Moore

    oh girl. my deepest sympathies to you, rylie and curt.
    i am so very sorry. may you feel God’s love and peace more than ever.
    km.

  • Stacey

    I was out of town, and arrived to read this today. Although we’ve never met, I am crying now for you, and your strgenth, and your loss. Please know you are in my prayers.
    Stacey

  • Beth

    I’m sending you and the whole family my thoughts and prayers. Wishing you Chinese take-out, sewing and peace.

  • Cara Davis

    Dear Katie,
    I am so very sorry for the loss of your little one.
    I prayed for you today.
    Cara

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