pushing the needle too far

Ry's new shoes[That’s the Indigo Girls, Folks.]

Whew.  What a week.  I am regularly cycling through the 7 Stages of Grief about every hour to hour and a half.  I have been silent and loud and fine and inconsolable.  It’s insane.  Let me say again (and again and for the 80-thousandth time) that my community amazes me.  You people… you people are amazing.  I could hear your very audible, “Ooooh.  Ooooooooh, no.” and I could feel the empathy and I could see the defeat in your eyes.  And then, I could see you picking yourself up and saying, “Alright.  Let’s go.  Give me part of your pain. I will carry a portion for you.”  And I would picture this, and I would take another step forward.  I also made an apple pie.  I am doing ok.  Your words have given me strength and laughs and community in a place that is so very prone to hurt and isolation.  Thank you for diving in with me.  I do not say this lightly: I really really like you.

And now, a conversation from last week… possibly hormone-induced.

girl: What if I went completely crazy?  Would you leave me?

boy: I cannot leave you.  It’s not an option… for either of us.

girl: But what if I totally lost it.  I mean, totally.  

boy: No.

girl: What if I set fire to the house… accidentally?

boy: No.

girl: Seriously, though.  What if?

boy:  I will not leave.

girl: So, you wouldn’t leave?

boy: No.  Even if you went totally nuts and set fire to the house.  I wouldn’t leave.

girl: […] 

boy: [look of: got it?]

girl: So, you wouldn’t… but you’d want to, right?

High-five if you’re crazy.  I’ve got pie waiting for you.

[photo: Ry got new shoes this weekend.  She’s psyched.]


About texasnorth

TexasNorth is a little farm in Western Michigan. It's home to 5 chickens, 25 longhorn cattle, a coonhound (Banjo), 1 barn cat, a husband, and 3 ridiculously funny children. The mom of this zoo has been known to mow the lawn in a skirt and roast marshmallows after dark. View all posts by texasnorth

25 responses to “pushing the needle too far

  • amanda

    I’m crazy! I’m crazy! Please send pie.

    Love You and With You through all your stages.

  • Cathy

    Hi Kate, glad to see you on your blog. Hang in there.

  • Becky

    high five, “i’m not completely insane,i may be just a little bit crazy”-alana davis
    we are here for you, and don’t worry i say stuff like that to Jeremiah all the time!

  • Mandi

    I’m sending double high fives because I’m extra crazy! Keep working through this as long as you need to…and as often. We’re here for you, and we love you.

  • Julie

    Double high fives from me as well! I think about going crazy often.

    Still praying so hard for you.

    I like the Indigo Girls title. nice one.

  • ecky

    show me someone who isnt crazy and i’ll show you one really boring person!
    you are crazy…
    crazy like a fox!


    i have no idea.
    xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo and an extra o

  • Carley

    High five here!
    Oh… and who doesn’t get psyched for a new pair of shoes?
    = )

  • Miss Laura

    I’m sick and have to spend the week in the less-nice areas of Detroit…I’m pretty sure that’s worse than crazy.

    Can I have a down comforter instead of a high five? I’ll take the apple pie either way 🙂

    Love to you…glad to hear that “fine” is coming at least every two hours!

  • Miss Laura

    Also, I love the conversation because I’m always worried that if I’m crazy and irrational enough, Josh will throw his hands up and quit…

  • Amy L

    I’ve been reading your blog for a long time and felt compelled today to comment. First my heart stopped beating for a moment when I read about the baby. I pray for God’s strength during this time.

    My CRAZIEST mindblowing moments were in throws of baby-hormone-states. Got to love the man in your life who stands strong during these moments.

  • jtp

    I sooo look forward to reading your posts…I just grinned when I saw it was updated…. I wish we were pals in the same town. i would give you a hug…and have a slice of pie..or two 🙂

  • Cortney

    I’ve got something to put in the mail for you, if my crazy high-fivin’ self can get my life in order long enough to get to the post office. Funny how the world just keeps on spinnin’, no matter what, isn’t it? Love to the Mulders, dear, every one.

  • wende

    It’s your crazy we love!

  • J to the OSH

    Katie Kate… you are a righteous chica. Keep the faith. BTW… the word for crazy in many languages is the same as the word for “interesting.” And if my wife should happen to read my comment here, then I hereby adopt all of the comments of ‘boy’ so artfully penned above.

  • sunday

    i am not crazy at all. i am the picture of perfect sanity! just ask Worth :)!!! Love you so much!

  • AmyD

    high five girl. i’m SO crazy.

    do you know this movie?

    she: What if my face was all scraped off and I was totally disfigured and had no arms and legs and I was completely paralyzed. Would you still love me?

    he: (after answering YES to several similar questions ) No. But we could still be friends.

    totally thought of it when I read your post today. Hooray for guys that answer– YES. NO MATTER WHAT.

    while we are on movie quotes, this one from the ever-wise DORI the fish helps me on hard days. “Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming, swimming.”

    You’re gonna make it through.

  • Zoe Speer

    I am glad you are hanging in and keeping it honest. We will keep you in our prayers.
    Its kind of nice knowing you cannot drive those boys away 🙂

  • janna

    this conversation highlights one of the many reasons why i like curt–he’s good for you. hope his birthday was special.

    do you remember my ‘theory’ about crazy/normal? i think we all have a little (or a lot) of crazy in us–so, really, crazy is more normal than normal. 🙂

    love you.

  • Jim

    U both rock. Hugs to that cute girl. Bread is my specility not pie, so here’s a loaf to u.

  • Lisa

    If they think we’re crazy now, just wait ’til we’re menopausal. Maybe you should ask him again, then. 🙂

    Glad you are re-grouping and rebounding. It’s awesome to have a collection of arms in which to fall.

  • Heather

    I’ve been drooling over Fluevogs. Pictures online only… haven’t laid down the cash. I envy Ry. Who wouldn’t be psyched about a new pair of shoes? Atta girl.

  • Annie

    hive five. i’m coming for some pie.

  • Ellie

    In keeping with the spirit of you title, I would have to say that there are indeed those days when we are somewhat “closer to fine”.

    Oh, Indigo Girls – where art thou? We need you.

  • Grace

    I am so far beyond crazy. I used to have the conversations with my husband about whether he would leave me if I was a paraplegic. Why would I do this him? I have no idea. But he would always assure me (like a good husband should) that he would still be there.

    And guess what… when I did manage to break both my legs (when I was pregnant… how’s THAT for crazy?), he didn’t leave. He stayed, and went through it all with me, and even figured out a way to wash my hair using only a garbage bag, a trash can, and a big plastic cup.

    You’ve got a good man, Katie. I’m praying for you both right now!

  • Rachel

    You are awesome and you’ll get through this. You are still in my prayers…

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