excuse me whilst I sort some things out

My God does not speak to me in neon.  There have never been any signs or writing in the sky.  No ‘hallelujah moments’ with angels singing and clouds parting.  I have battled uncomfortableness all my life.  Uncomfortable in crowds.  Uncomfortable in my skin.  Uncomfortable falling asleep with my brain constantly racing.  For me, God speaks in the quiet.  When things feel good, when calm prevails, when there is no hesitancy, this is my go-ahead.  This is my Yes. 

We were so ready, so happy for Gideon to be born.  It was a very natural, normal progression into a family of four.  It felt right, and that’s all I needed for affirmation.  I did not worry about having enough love for two children or enough money or enough time.  I knew that it would work out… bumps, bruises, and all.

There have been lots of bump and bruises. 

Gideon is past 2 weeks now and over his birth weight.  I assume this means he is eating.  This is really my first time nursing and it’s been hard to get used to ‘just knowing’ when they’re full.  If his diapers are any indication, the kid is eating too much.  We change a diaper about every 30 minutes.  My hand to Heaven.  It’s amazing how different kids can be.  I have really struggled not to compare, but it’s impossible when you have only one other experience to draw on.

Ry slept.  Gus doesn’t.

Gus eats.  Ry didn’t.

Ry  went straight to a 3 hour schedule.  Gus eats forever and then sleeps forever, or doesn’t.  And then, starts all over again.  Except, when he doesn’t.

Ry was calm and still.  Gus is crazy mover throw yourself off the couch kid.

Ry was quiet.  Gus’ screams can empty Target on a busy day.

Gus loves to be held.  Ry was fine to watch the world from her own seat.

I expected him to cry in the car, but I was unprepared for how upset it would make Rylie.  Now that I think about it, though, sure.  Why wouldn’t a screaming baby sitting right next to you for 45 minutes stress out a 3 year-old who has trouble with loud sounds? [photo: Ry covering her ears in the car] I may be able to tune it out, but she simply cannot.  SuperKid is stinkin’ L O U D.  He just is, well, fussy.  Ry was not fussy.  She was a little more fun to be around, honestly.

Ry has been an amazing sport abut all this baby stuff, but it’s certainly been an adjustment.  We rally from tantrums and discipline to hug fests and back again on an hourly basis.    And, no matter how rough our mornings are (and people, they’re baaad), she is always happy to see me when I pick her up from pre-school. I am continually amazed at a child’s ability to spring back.  When do we lose that?  When do we start holding on to grudges and pain?  I am so thankful she is managing… and has forgotten about yesterday… or this morning, for pete’s sake.She’s getting quite a few more cookies these days, but sometimes you need to buy peace. 

So, we’re emotional around here… loving a new kid, loving an older kid, missing out on regular life, celebrating Spring, trying to get Ry to talk to us, watching the cows, changing diapers, rocking and walking and soothing.  And crying.  There’s lots of crying.  We are trying to figure out a rhythm.  God bless the comfort that comes in knowing [and repeating repeating repeating] THIS TOO SHALL PASS.  God bless the sweet, quiet, calm times that deflate the defeat and frustration. 

I am clinging to the previous signs of peace.  I know this kid, this warrior, is meant to be here. It will work out.  Bumps, bruises, and all.

[this dang post is just all over the place… it’s not coming out right… I blame this on A&M and Baylor losing]



About texasnorth

TexasNorth is a little farm in Western Michigan. It's home to 5 chickens, 25 longhorn cattle, a coonhound (Banjo), 1 barn cat, a husband, and 3 ridiculously funny children. The mom of this zoo has been known to mow the lawn in a skirt and roast marshmallows after dark. View all posts by texasnorth

18 responses to “signs

  • Amy

    Maybe little Gus has gas? My kids had a LOT ofgas…what with heavy nursing and all. Of course, I always blamed everything on teeth and gas 🙂

    We loved gripe water……herbs in a liquid form that you can gently slowly give the wee one with a dropper (they even have it at CVS drug store these days). Its fennel and other gentle herbs that help work out upset tummies…..just a thought.

    Hang in there! A nice rhythm will come with the two of them…..

  • Sunday

    My goodness you spoke right to my heart. This post was not all over the place but of course you and are right in the same place in life too. We gave Hollings gripe water yesterday and she slept 7 hours. I am not sure if it is coincedence or it really worked but people swear by it!!! I wish I knew about this with BR. So far my girls are pretty similar. I love you and I love this post. I might have to copy and paste this to my blog:)

  • Jessica

    yuor post is perfect. and makes me giggle that my Rylie and Wyatt were just the oppisite like your two….

    your doing great and such an inspirtation to feel how you are really doing. I was so surprised at how I felt like I had to make it seem so perfect to everyone else even though it was so hard and so good all in the same.

    love you!!

  • Julie

    I had mine in opposite order of hardness. Caleb was a cranky baby who never slept and Adam just slept and nursed and hung out. It seems like it would be worse to have a hard baby second though.

    Hang in there! I can’t wait to hear all about this little guy as he grows!

  • Jtp

    Ohhh I sooo remember those early weeks and feel for you! I too wonder when we stop forgetting the bad stuff so soon like kids and holding onto grudges…the things we should learn from them 🙂

  • Miss Laura

    That picture of Rylie is worth a thousand words. You really need to frame that…it just captures so much about the sibling relationship, doesn’t it? 🙂

  • Kim Aguilar

    Oh gosh. You are singing my tune, my friend. Clark was such a hard baby that I’ve had trouble wanting to have any other children. It took him almost a year to sleep through the night. And a good 18 months before he had two happy moments put together. He was just…I don’t know..not too content to be a baby. I had to cling to my faith. And believe that children “are an heritage to the Lord,” when it certainly didn’t feel like it. I know this sounds crazy, but I watched an Oprah about Dunstan Baby Language (you can google it) when Clark was exactly a month old that really helped me to understand what the heck he was crying about. I found out that he wanted to be changed after literally 5 minutes of having a diaper on because he had already peed again. We went through A LOT of diapers, but at least the LOUD crying was a little less. Also, try loosening the car seat straps. It helped, a little. And, I started signing with him very early on (about 6 months) so that he would be able to communicate with me as soon as possible, and that also helped tremendously. And the more he has been able to communicate, the better. Because he is just like his mother…he’s not (to quote you) “comfortable in his own skin,” and just needs a lot to feel comfortable; no tags in shirts, no stickiness on his hands, no loud noises, and the list goes on and on. Maybe your little guy is more like you (and then some). That just means that you will be EXACTLY the mother he needs on this earth. YOU and only you, were chosen to be his mother. You will be able to understand and love him in a way no one else can. And that is a gift that comes from God, who knows you and understands you perfectly because you are like Him. Keep the faith. I love you, Katie. I feel so blessed to have been able to reconnect with you, after all these years.

  • amanda

    Hi KatieKate:

    I hear ya’ on the car time crying! I had not prepared myself for this either, because Stella actually loved rides in the car. Claire, on the other hand, HATES the care seat. And she wails and screams. It’s frightening to Stella. Stella’s new way of coping is to scream as loud as possible in unison with Claire. So in result Blake and I get to hear two babies belting out in full throttle their unhappiness. Blake and I just look at each other, not knowing whether to scream with them, break down in tears, or laugh!

  • Zoe Speer

    B is almost 5 and still cannot handle loud noises, and H can be a yeller! I mean actually yelling. Gripe water helped us too!!!!!!

    Also, I don’t know if Ry is old enough but sometimes in the car I would let B wear earplugs or headphones. I don’t know how much they helped but the idea of them helped A LOT.
    We will keep you guys in our prayers!

  • Becky

    Love the honesty. Soon all this will probably feel normal. My mom told me today that God compares his strength to the strength of a mother! He knows he has given us the will to survive! Keep on surviving!!!

  • ginny

    Well, he is adorable…both your kids are. 🙂 My second one screamed every time she was in the car and her older sister was always getting frustrated with her. She’s 4 now and I’d almost forgotten about that until I read your post. It’ll make for good stories later on. 🙂

  • LoLo

    D.I.T.T.O.!!! We are 3 years down the road from you, but I remember those days like they are fresh splinters under my fingernail! 🙂 Take heart when I say that it does get better (and worse), but it is definitely all worth it!!! I will never forget the 15 hr road trip with G & A and A cried THE WHOLE TRIP!!!! Finally we figured out that she would stop when G sang to her – very sweet but a 3-yr old can only sing for so long until he too gets tired. Then, we discovered that the girl has a thing for the Indigo Girls and the Dixie Chics…random…but it totally did the trick. So, I pretty much listened to every album by them over & over for the entire next year waiting patiently for her to get used to the car. Hang in there! This too shall pass but don’t wish it away!

  • stephanie

    hey friend…i’m finally getting caught up on your life these days. what a looker! i must say, my heart leaps and breaks when i think of having another baby, because i know i will miss my precious time with just Isaac. Isaac is not that fond of loud noises, so it will be interesting to see his reaction. he has been sung to by G & A many times though, and it always cures his blues. it’s okay for you to be a mess right now. what got me through that “never feeling put together post-partum mushy mommy” phase…my nails were always painted. the rest of me probably looked like rubbish, but for some reason that made me feel like Marilyn Monroe. i know that’s not very “you”, but find something similar. it works! hugs!

  • elly

    how bout kids impacted by meth in utero. what do i do with that? still in the black hole with you, my darlin’. hope it helps to know someone else is there too. i’m WAY out of practice…. 7 yrs. out. xo

  • Stacey

    Makes me think of the Mel Gibson Movie “Signs”-
    “Swing away” … ❤

  • The Fabulous SoChi Life

    You never know what you’re going to get with kids. Good grief, my 4 are different as night and day. But one thing’s for certain, you get grace. That’s what gets us all through the “LOUD”

  • annie

    love what the above said, Grace. that is for sure.
    that is what i will be depending on.
    it is amazing to read how different they are.
    i also always hold on to the fact that when things are tough i will probably end up laughing about them later.

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